Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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