I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
