I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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