You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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