I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
