Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
