You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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