I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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