Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
