Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
