i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
