The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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