Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
