I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
we're so committed to being not committed
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
