i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
