god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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