My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
