dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize