So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
