He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
