Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
