***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize