Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
