where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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