Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
