i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
