i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
