3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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