you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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