another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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