i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
that's an acceptable place to lick
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
