I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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