in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
