how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
