Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
