Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
