I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
