I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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