I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
