Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who died my cat blue again?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
