evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
