So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
