Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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