I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
