my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
