i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
