I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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