what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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