woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
