She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
