I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
