I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
