I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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