Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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