I think I am morally bankrupt
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
