I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
