rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
